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Morgan Pressel Cinderellas From John Kennedy Into Tiger Woods
As Yogi Berra said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.” Right now it looks like earthlings are about to follow the dinosaurs and die out in a nuclear world war 3 followed by a nuclear winter and then an ultra violet summer. However, it’s not over until it’s over. Ask Morgan Pressel.
Blonde Morgan Pressel, 18, stood on the 18th green yesterday at the first Dinah Shore Kraft Nabisco Women’s Major golf tournament of the year with a score of 2 under par. Norwegian golfer Suzann Pettersen was on the 15th hole at the time, four shots ahead of Morgan Pressel with four holes to play. It was then that Morgan Pressel’s late mother, Kathy Krickstein, pulled gold pixie dust from her bag and sprinkled it all over the Mission Hills golf course in Rancho Mirage, California.
Morgan Pressel said, “My mom is always with me and I know she’s proud of me.” Two years ago, Morgan’s 42-year-old mom lost her battle with breast cancer, and Morgan is being raised by her pathologist father, Herb Krickstein, and her friend, Evelyn Krickstein, who held Morgan’s hand when they jumped into the lake at 18 to celebrate after Morgan became the youngest. the all-time major champion in women’s golf. When asked, “How was the jump into the pond?” Morgan said: “Wet and cold but I’d love to do it again.”
For those who don’t believe in curses, read about the Kennedy family and Anna Nicole Smith. The only way Dannielynn Smith would top Caroline Kennedy now would be if she choked on a piece of gefilte fish at the Passover Seder tonight, like John Kennedy’s sister did.
Two years ago, 16-year-old Morgan Pressel stood in the middle of the 18th fairway at the US Open, leading with Birdie Kim. Birdie was 10 miles from the hole in the right green side bunker when Birdie brainwashed Morgan Pressel with a magical bunker shot to the bottom of the cup, stealing the victory from Morgan who looked like he had it in the bag. It’s strange how often this happens in golf. Greg Norman was hit in the head in a Masters playoff when Larry Mize hit an impossible tee shot, at the PGA when Paul Azinger hit an impossible bunker shot on 18, and in Hawaii when Robert Gamez poured salt into the holes in Greg’s putt head. on 18 for 175 yards.
Equally amazing in golf is how often players collapse. This coming Sunday, April 8, 2007 is Easter Sunday of the Masters. They say the Masters doesn’t start until Sunday on the back nine. Golfing Messiah Tiger Woods says his Buddhist faith helped him forget himself and zen into the zone. Tiger Woods is known for keeping his cool while those around him are cracking under indescribable pressure. Johnny Miller keeps talking about how in his day Lee Trevino or Arnold Palmer or Tom Watson would hit Secretariat with a 64 on Sunday and how Tiger Woods’ playing partner’s average score in the final group today is 79. Has Tiger Woods sold his soul to Satan? Does Buddhism recognize Satan? If not, it’s the red guy behind the ropes with horns and a pointy tail that smells like brimstone.
The Jewish name for demons is “dybbuk”. Morgan Pressel says her Jewish faith is very important to her. Jews wear red bandels, red ribbons, to ward off evil spirits. Morgan Pressel is the first Jewish major champion, unless you count Cory Pavin, a born-again Christian. This week, Pope Benedict XVI said that hell and demons exist. The Pope will be using holy water and smoke and some 217 other rituals this week to cleanse the Vatican of evil spirits, not to mention his Callaway golf cap. The most egregious display of supernatural beings took place at Winged Foot on the 18th when the late Davis Love Jr. mastered the 18th green and celebrated his son’s first PGA Major title with a magical rainbow.
The Zapruder film shows Satan himself shooting a magic bullet from a grassy knoll into John Kennedy’s head. The question is: “Legendary collapses occur because the winner sold his soul to Satan, or because the winner was blessed by God and the archangels Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, and Raphael, or because some evil person cursed the leader, or because the leader suffered either frayed nerves or mental disorder?” Suzann Pettersen finished yesterday at Dinah Shore with bogey, double bogey, bogey and then a par 5 on the 18th, which Morgan Pressel birdied. Suzann Pettersen was the first ever female golfer from Oslo, Norway, which lies south of Hell Norway. Hell Norway is just east of Greenland, which melted during the Dinah coast.
Tiger Woods has won the last British Open and the PGA and is going for his third consecutive major championship and his second Tiger Slam this week. Tiger Woods has won 3 US Amateurs in a row. At 16, Morgan Pressel won the US Amateur. At the age of 12, Morgan Pressel became the youngest person ever to qualify for the US Woman’s Open. She didn’t come from nowhere. Everyone just focused on Michelle Wie for her amazing T-shirt length. Unfortunately, Michelle can’t chip or putt and has lost Dave Pelz’s phone number.
Carnoustie Scotland lies west of Oslo, Norway. At the 1999 British Open in Carnoustie, Scotland, Jean Van de Velde came to the 18th hole needing only a double bogey to win the Claret Jug and gain immortality. Curtis Strange announced in the booth that he was tearing his hair out over Jean Van de Velde’s decisions. Jean Van de Velde could have won the British Open at 18 with his 7 iron. On 18, Jean Van de Velde hit an OK drive into the rough and the smart play was to use the wedge to sit in front of Barry Burn, the pond guarding 18. From there he was able to chip and even three putt for the 6th and the win. Instead, Jean Van de Velde pulled his 2 irons out of his bag. If Tiger Woods did that, his Kiwi caddy Stevie Williams would rugby tackle Tiger Woods in the dirt, slap him, give him a lap and head left. God helps those who help themselves. You don’t give methadone to babies in the womb. It leads to them making bad decisions later in life regardless of how much money they have.
Jean Van de Velde pulls out his 2 iron on 18 to take the water off the rough. His ball flies to the right, hits the stands, luckily bounces off the stones in the Barry Burn and ends up in the rough in front of the burn. All he had to do was dive from the tall grass onto the green, three putt and walk away with the trophy. Van de Velde then proceeds to jam his pitch into the river in front of the green. Now he rolls up his pants into shorts, takes off his shoes and socks, and wades into the burn. He then decides to take a drop and the lying 4 can still get up and down for the win. He somehow fluffed his chip shot into the trap. Van de Velde miraculously exploded to 6 feet and holed out for triple bogey to reach the British Open playoff.
Scottish fans were ecstatic as the recipients of this golf embolism were American Justin Leonard and Scotsman Paul Lawrie. Paul Lawrie then won the 3-man play-off at the British Open, drawing on the luck of the Irish and the four-leaf clover in his bag. Yesterday, Suzann Pettersen’s last 4-hole collapse and foray into the right trees benefited Morgan Pressel, the little lady who was brainwashed by Birdie Kim two years ago at the US Open. They say luck evens out in golf, but if that were true, Greg Norman would have won at least one green jacket. Greg Norman also threw away the Sunday Masters lead by 6 shots to Nick Faldo. As Yogi Berra says, “It ain’t over till it’s over” and “If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.”
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