Where Will The 2022 World Cup Be Held I Was a Female Drug Testing Chaperone

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I Was a Female Drug Testing Chaperone

I’ve been in toilets all over Auckland with half-naked women.

No, this is not about sex; this is about drugs. In sports. And thanks to Lance Armstrong, everyone knows about drugs in sports and drug testing, but you may not have realized that some drug testing involves urine testing. And I did this for a job.

Now you’re asking, who would want to do a job that involves watching people pee – isn’t that a bit gross? Well, apart from the obvious answer – people who love ‘water sports’ (boom tish) – are usually just sports nuts or people who are desperate for funds. I fell into the latter category.

In 2001 I had moved to Auckland but still didn’t have a job, so a friend who was already working in drug testing suggested I try working as a chaperone – the person who accompanies the athlete and actually forces them to produce the champion. I was keen to earn some money and only slightly alarmed by close involvement with strangers. Suffice it to say, you need to be very comfortable with the human body and its various functions.

Despite being advised that it was quite easy, I found the procedures to be numerous and complex. One missing signature or wrongly filled out form and a guilty athlete can successfully appeal. I wasn’t saving lives, but I didn’t want to fill it. On the other hand, the low pay wasn’t very motivating and the prospect of, say, a day out in the back blocks of Auckland watching motorbike riders for $30 wasn’t inviting. However it was money and a walk.

Here’s how it worked. Once the event was over and your team leader identified the athlete to be tested, you introduced yourself to them as the leader, read them the rules, offered them a bottled drink, and advised them that they had one hour to report to the testing station. This gave them time to rest, rehydrate and hopefully be ready to give a sample.

After these formalities, the athlete generally ignored you and you followed them around, trying not to snap or think about the wine, until they deigned to let you know they were ready to go. Which can last for hours, so: boredom.

You stood alone on the perimeter of your family and friends like the kid who didn’t get picked for the team, feeling ridiculous with your sign and the coolest bag full of Gatorade. (Though I did get a little cheered up once by this kid who got confused and asked for my autograph.)

An hour or so of wandering around, listening to people talk about the finer points of women’s hockey can be mind-numbing, so by the time you put the athlete in the bathroom you’re not even thinking about the extreme intimacy factor, you just wanted to for them to urinate. Immediately!

When you watched an athlete pee, you had to see the urine pass from their body. That’s because since the beginning of drug testing, athletes have found ways to get around it, and one of the ways is to take a container of someone else’s pee and hide it under their clothes.

That’s why you couldn’t let them out of your sight, and also why they had to take off their underwear and roll up their sleeves while urinating. So many rules and so many situations where you couldn’t follow the rules! For example, in a portaloo it was impossible to see someone peeing in a cup when you were trapped against them, nose to nose. See? Awkward.

The small talk was complicated. I’m outgoing, but in these situations the conversation generally revolved around how the athlete had performed, how hard it was to pee on command, how it might be easier if I turned on the faucet… maybe if we just kept on we were talking about urination… ‘. At that time I was usually the only one ready to pee. Meanwhile they sat on the bowl and I tried not to SEE clearly, but I had to!

Some athletes would strip completely and in 2001, being ahead of the fashion for Brazilians, I saw a lot of pubic hair. Yes, a full Brazilian was pretty surprising in 2001, because I remember one girl whose vulva was completely bare. And that was shocking!

However, between all the episodes of chasing glamorous but slightly insane bodybuilders, or hanging out with the NZ Warriors at one of their training sessions, my first job still stands out.

Already worried about stuffing things, I was then told that it was a Paralympic shooting event, so there were athletes from all over the world with a range of abilities. This was like having sex for the first time and hoping for a basic missionary, only to be told that you are expected to do a reverse cowgirl with a twist!

I had questions. What should you do if the athlete had a catheter and bag? Can I just let them empty the contents into the plastic cup? Or should I have them put the bag back together and pee again? It seemed to me that there were endless permutations, combinations, and chances to say something offensive to a disabled person.

Thankfully I avoided it; My Polish wife was in a wheelchair, had no legs and spoke no English. At the testing station, her English-speaking teammate advised us that she was on her period, so she couldn’t provide a sample. The possibilities for embarrassment, not to mention complexity, went up a few notches. Blood in the urine! Nooooo! (It was a nice try, but it didn’t stop a drug test.)

We went to the disabled toilet, my heart sinking. Not only was it already complicated, but I couldn’t even talk to this woman. My ‘small words superpower’ would now be useless.

I watched in surprise as she pulled the chair to the side of the toilet. She removed her pants and then I saw that her body ended at the top of her thighs. Still in her underwear, she got up on the side of the chair and on the side of the toilet seat, her back to me. This was also against the rules, as I was supposed to be able to see what he was doing. But the implementation of this rule seemed impossible. She removed her underwear and then the waiting began.

As she shifted on the toilet seat, muttering to herself as she struggled to pry the plastic cup from its wrapper, I felt helpless. Despite her lack of English, I chatted quietly and turned on the basin faucet, which made no difference at all. After a very long time, she gave up and we went back to the testing station to wait. But my test virginity was gone and I was feeling a little more in control.

Fortunately, her husband appeared and she agreed to try again if he could come with us; he made her feel more comfortable and thankfully spoke some English. After a few minutes of talking to her husband about peeing, drug testing, Poland, Auckland, – anything to ignore the half-naked woman sitting on the toilet – we finally succeeded.

So began my first week in Auckland. In a disabled toilet at a shooting range, watching a legless woman pee in a cup while chatting with her husband.

Things can only get better.

© Cynthia Smith 2016

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