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Discovering True Character – Love It Or Eat It (2 of 4)

There are many factors that make up a person’s character, everything from genetics, upbringing, allergies, as some report adverse personality changes when eating or drinking certain substances, prescription and over-the-counter drugs, hormones, and even beliefs.

In Judaism the Sages teach the wisdom of men the true character called the Personality of Blessing; the phrases Be’Kiso, Be’Koso and u’ve’Kaso, meaning according to what a person has in their pocket (what they spend their money on), according to their cup (how they respond to the temptation of alcoholic excesses) and thus their temperament (they can control themselves when provoked?). Is there another level of character: “af be’shako,” his game or how this person spends his free time? These are good things to learn about a potential dating partner. The character is also deeply psychological.

For those who tend to mistrust or fear what they most desire, no long-term intimate relationship is possible. This paradox creates a sense of vulnerability and threat. The self-induced anger/fear defense mechanisms that are part of arousal attraction are relationship cancelers because there will be constant attempts to take power and control over the other to ensure dominance and safety. There is also a biological chemical evolutionary component.

The more sexually arousing, erotic stimuli, the more testosterone and male androgen hormones are released, creating a highly emotional state where the lines between anger, violence or sex can blur. For some, it creates an irresistible drug like a rush that is truly addictive and is the root cause of sex addicts who crave the rush and intimacy, but then realize their respectability and must either control the relationship or sabotage it and quickly move on.

This is, for example, one of the reasons why some less developed men cannot maintain a relationship with a woman who is intelligent, beautiful, powerful and sensual. The irony is that the more insecure, less evolved person will seek out a weaker partner to satisfy their need for superiority. The more insecure person will do everything in their power to disempower the other person, and when that fails, the insecure person will resort to the only weapons they have left, which are emotional warfare or manipulation and passive aggression.

The 4 little things mentioned above (Be’Kiso, Be’Koso, u’ve’Kaso and af be’shako) may seem simple, but they are essential in the dating world. The story that follows is one such example submitted by a reader in which a friend of hers who absolutely subscribed to the philosophy of Be’Kiso, Be’Koso, u’ve’Kaso, af be’shako, and how he decided to show his true character . In these insights, it is also believed that when a person’s anger becomes angry, they also break their bonds with God and do not look directly into the person’s eyes. Let’s see if you can figure it out, there might just be a test at the end!

A recent reader wrote an account of her experience dealing with her boyfriend’s extreme denial of anger, which starts out pretty simple but then spills over into all 4 aspects of character. He made no secret of the fact that she was the most exciting woman he had ever met. She put quite a bit of time, energy and even more creativity into creating a fun and sexy little outfit to make sure their romantic evening was extra romantic, right down to the very shoes he knew she found irresistible. At first he seemed very grateful, but in one swift move he turned the tables for the worst.

She states that she only weighs about 100 pounds and her boyfriend weighed almost twice that. Apparently, regardless of his part, he quickly moved her to the concrete floor for a more romantic purpose. He writes, “Before a split second had passed, my back was crushed and cracked up to my ribs.” Fortunately, she managed to escape quickly. But she got really upset, especially since they had both dealt with this exact problem before and it was especially painful for her and not something that could be done without seriously hurting herself.

None of this mattered and will not matter to a man who cannot accept that there is some goodness in every aspect of character, even anger. The boyfriend never bothered to ask why she was upset. In his friend’s denial, he immediately rejected her feelings and her. Violating his own convictions, she writes, “He stood with his third cup of scotch in his hand, looking me dead in the eye, and instantly renounced any feelings he had ever claimed for me.” Despite her tears of confusion, hurt and assault, he didn’t back down, she writes, “nothing I said or did mattered. It was like I wasn’t even there. He had no reaction to me at all.” His true character was revealed. Unable to face his own anger, he projected it onto her and rejected her, which was better for him than rejecting himself or admitting a mistake.

Despite other agreements in the morning about their mutual bad judgment, his anger type is passive-aggressive, driving him to cheat on her with an ex and replace the most exciting girlfriend he’s ever had with a new car rather than contributing to his community, which were his previous goals.

The result: the surrogate ex left for the same reasons as the four times before. However, he can still enjoy his new car payments that will never complain about any of its shortcomings. As for the excitement of the new car; any man who enjoys a car more than a woman is either with the wrong woman, she’s just not trying, needs the blue pill, or is gay.

Here is the test:

Can you tell where and when, how the anger might have manifested differently?

What if he asked what was wrong?

What if they both decided to just laugh it off and move on?

What if, when he was angry with her, he expressed himself differently and stared at her non-aggressively?

What if it had no alcohol or less? What if he invested in helping others or getting help or even healing rather than a new car?

Character: it is our most important choice because it determines who we are, what we do and how we behave, love or not love others.

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