Will There Be Alcohol At The World Cup The Bottomless Pit – Journey of a Depressed Mind

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The Bottomless Pit – Journey of a Depressed Mind

It is a constant gnawing and confusion that is hard to explain. Something has started to eat me from the inside and I can’t put my finger on it. What is this weight in my head? That’s not a headache. I must be sick. Is it a fever coming on? No it is not. I know it will stay with me for a while. I’m afraid? I try to acknowledge its existence. I have been told that understanding itself is the medicine.

All around it is a descending and lingering gloom. It’s like everything around turns gray and black. There is no other color. No additional color is needed. Why do I always feel like crying? There is no obvious reason to cry! However, it is so. The tears have to come out. Suddenly tiredness overcomes. Every ounce of energy is depleted. My limbs are weak and I urgently need sleep. I sleep like there is no tomorrow, with no desire to wake up because there is no longer any desire to see the world. My bed became my savior.

What happened to my hobbies and activities that I loved? I lose interest in everything. All the events that are happening around me seem like a movie running at a distance.

Fatigue has become a major part of my life. How to explain this to someone? Is there a noticeable change in my appetite? Eating habits have changed. I began to isolate myself.

I feel dead. That sinking feeling won’t leave me. I’m gasping for breath. There is a heaviness in my heart that takes my breath away. I feel disappointed – in myself and in the people around me. Why did others fail me? It’s like I’ve become fragile like a thin piece of glass that shatters at the slightest touch. It’s noon. Why don’t I feel hungry? I force myself to eat something that people won’t ask. Now I want to throw up. I don’t exist anymore. My existence became unclear. The invisible line between life and death seems to be toying with me. I’m still having trouble breathing. I’m frantically looking around to see if anyone can help. How do I ask for help? What I say? Do I tell them my heart is racing, I can’t breathe and I feel perpetually tired? How can anyone understand it until they feel it themselves? They think I’m sick or have a fever and advise me to rest. They ask me to go out with friends. How do I tell them that social interaction is the last thing I want to do right now? I feel this numbing pain in my shoulders and neck. I am sick?

I drink a glass of cold water. Somehow it feels good when it goes down my throat. I can feel it running down my neck. I look around again. People are busy in their own worlds. I have no idea how to ask for help. I go for a walk to the washroom, lock myself in the cubicle and the tears start to roll. why am i crying I have everything possible to make my life more pleasant. What are these tears for? What do I want from others? If happiness comes from within, where is it right now? The questions are endless and there are no answers. My mind became a jungle of thoughts. I hate myself. Yes.

Whatever happened to me, this condition is debilitating. Will it kill me or will I kill myself? Someone once told me that suicide is not an option. I believe in this. What if my soul is stuck in a spiral for thousands of years. There would be no respite from that. I have to find a way out of here. Medicines do help. There are friends who are willing to sit with me and listen without prejudice. How do I tell them that despite my desire for human touch, I can’t bring myself to see anyone? Yes, it is a conflict situation. I want to be surrounded by people who love and at the same time any socializing disgusts me. How would anyone understand that?

Now I’m wondering what could calm me down. A walk among the trees, deep breaths under the open sky and calm green color, sounds like paradise. Chatting over a cup of tea sounds like a good suggestion to me too. Good food is always considered therapeutic. I have to avoid alcohol. While this would create a momentary euphoria, the consequences would be more depressing. As I think about these things, I realize that my breathing has returned to normal. I no longer notice what is happening around me. I can hear what others around me are talking about. Yes, it’s gone for now. I also know it will come back and I can’t imagine the pace of it. I’m afraid. However, it is so. That’s how special I am.

I am grateful that it has made me more sensitive to the emotions of others. I don’t judge people anymore. Yes, I’m breathing deeply now. My heart is lighter. For now, I’ll get on with my life. I remember someone saying that we will only believe what our eyes see. The invisibility of my suffering is a curse I must endure. Today I walk forward with baby steps and embrace every little spark that crosses my path.

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