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House Husbands – A Role Reversal

For centuries we have been locked into the gender roles of man as provider and protector and woman as homemaker and caregiver. But the 21st century has seen the beginning of a reversal of roles in the family. Men chose to stay at home and become house husbands. The West, especially Canada, the UK and the US, have embraced this new concept of stay-at-home spouses. Asian and Indian families still have a long way to go. Muslims believe it is un-Islamic for a man to assume the role of a woman.

Reasons for the change:

• As middle age approaches, many men feel trapped in stressful corporate jobs. They long for a less demanding profession and believe that housework and childcare are easier, leaving them time for recreation and hobbies.

• There has been an unprecedented increase in the number of women in the workforce. Higher education and professional skills have broken the glass ceiling, allowing women to enter jobs that were previously the preserve of men. In many cases, they may receive higher salaries than their spouses. Sometimes women are the only bread winners. Feminist ideologies, the availability of contraception, and the influence of the media also contributed to the rise of working women.

• Unemployment and loss of white-collar jobs for men.

• Telecommunication miracles allow men to work from home and secure a regular salary. Working hours and patterns are flexible.

Benefits of being a full-time dad:

1. This eliminates the need for domestic help, which becomes expensive and unreliable. There are many cases where maids starved, sedated or mistreated children. Some time ago, an Indian newspaper reported that a working woman came home in the middle of the day to find her child missing and the maid contentedly watching TV and munching on peanuts. On questioning, the maid said that she pacified the child and gave it to a beggar woman for a rent of Rs 100 per day.

Thefts of food, money or jewelry have also been reported from time to time.

2. Children may not be left in orphanages during the day.

3. Fathers’ participation in the parenting process is said to improve children’s physical, emotional and behavioral development. They become more emotionally balanced and develop better coping skills. They will grow in confidence and self-esteem.

4. Mothers can focus on their careers without feeling guilty that the children are not well taken care of. Since they are stress free, they are able to give their best to their work. When work is over, they are relaxed enough to spend quality time with family and make up for their absence during the day.

5. Spouses become adept at running the kitchen and discovering their hidden culinary talents.

6. Men are likely to spend sparingly and balance the budget effectively. Women are sometimes prone to overspending on things they don’t need or hoarding more than necessary.

7. Housework does not discredit masculinity. Men can still provide leadership in the family.

Likely disadvantages:

– Women may be forced to work outside the home against their will. This should not be an opportunity for lazy husbands to stay at home and do nothing.

– Men have fragile egos. Their value is linked to their ability to provide for the family’s financial needs and to be in a position of authority. Vicky Larson says, “If their given identity is threatened, they may overcompensate with booze, drugs, risky behavior, anger, or become sexually aggressive. Being the breadwinner is an important part of masculinity. Economic dependence threatens masculinity.”

– Feeling isolated, lonely or bored can lead to romantic relationships on the Internet. Addiction to pornography cannot be ruled out. Christian Munsch, a postdoctoral researcher, concluded that the more dependent a man is on his wife, the more likely he is to cheat.

– Incest behavior with children is possible. “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.”

How to be a successful and happy husband:

The decision must be your own. It should be planned and well thought out. Pros and cons need to be weighed. There must be an understanding and agreement between husband and wife regarding childcare and household duties. A couple should be able to withstand criticism from family and society.

James Williams says, “Household responsibilities are not humiliating or undesirable, but opportunities for loving service.”

Homework is not easy. They can be difficult and exhausting. Sometimes boring. But men will realize that women have maintained this practice for years without complaining or receiving any consideration from their husbands. It could bring more recognition to the role of home handymen.

However, the rewards of stay-at-home dads outweigh the inconveniences. Being involved in your children’s lives, watching them grow, being accessible and available, brings a great sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. Full-time fathers need to show their children love and affection just like mothers do. They must learn to verbalize their feelings. A cuddle or a kiss speaks volumes. At the same time, excessive self-indulgence should not occur.

Men tend to be rigid and authoritative. That would be counterproductive. Boundaries should be defined and communicated lovingly. This gives children a sense of stability and security.

Pushing a toddler in a stroller or grocery shopping or attending PTA meetings alone can be met with sarcastic comments. A confident father will know how to deal with such situations.

When fathers stand in for mothers, it is essential that they take a personal interest in their children’s lives, their school activities, their friends, their interests and hobbies. They should also learn to recognize anger, hurt or frustration in order to provide emotional support. The bond becomes stronger and parenthood becomes a joy.

Fathers don’t have to isolate themselves from friends and become housewives. Whenever the opportunity arises, they can meet friends or socialize, or even invite them for a cup of tea.

Being a full-time dad is by no means a cake walk. It takes patience, love, firmness and consistency.

As Oscar Wilde said, “Satisfaction… comes only to him who works and overcomes; to him who completes the task in hand and reaps the satisfaction of a job well done.”

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